Alternative Treatments for Depression by Temecula psychologist Linda Comin, PhD

Are you tired of the ineffectiveness of conventional treatments for depression?  Are you relapse prone and seeking an alternative solution?  Let’s reframe clinical depression as body imbalance.  Balance is defined as a state of equilibrium and is composed of many elements that must work synergistically.  The body’s balance is supported by the following elements: Hydration, nutrition, exercise, breath/stress management, love, mind and spirit.

Imbalance results in the body feeling distressed.  Imbalance may feel like, sadness, fatigue, loss of control, i.e. addictions, loss of interest or pleasure, low self-worth, disturbed sleep, loss of appetite or increased appetite which could lead to weight gain or weight loss, and poor concentration.  Many of you might already see that this definition resembles what is known as depression.

When we take depression out of the clinical area and normalize it by using the term imbalance,  it takes on a whole different meaning, doesn’t it? It no longer feels heavy, overwhelming, medicalized, and stigmatized by what is termed as “mental illness.” Suddenly, what was known as “clinical depression” is seen from a different perspective and gives way to  integrative solutions.

Depression Temecula – is the medical view accurate?

Medicine would have us all believe that depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain that can only be treated by the administration of psychotropic medications.  The theory that depression is the result of an imbalance of serotonin and dopamine in your brain, however, is a highly reported fact that has never been scientifically proven.  In fact, research suggests that psychotropic medication, when administered to depressed subjects, has no more effectiveness than a placebo.  According to a recent study published in January of 2011 by the British Medical Journal, “There is evidence showing there is unlikely to be a clinically important advantage for antidepressants over placebo in individuals with minor depression.”

When you think of it, depression is a very subjective term, isn’t it?  In other words you feel something and then you try to convey what you are feeling to a professional who then prescribes a certain treatment.  But does one treatment fit for everyone? I would answer with a resounding “no.” We all have different life experiences, and emotions, and our bodies respond differently to different foods and chemicals.  We are idiosyncratic in nature, and therefore need a more individualized plan of action.

Now you may be thinking but aren’t there many different types of antidepressants out there? The answer to this question is “yes”.  However, there are many depressed individuals out there who would claim that they have tried four or greater antidepressants and are still depressed. In fact, not only are they still depressed after 10-20 years of being on an antidepressant, but also feel helpless and hopeless about any recovery from these feelings.

If this sounds like the way you might be feeling I am suggesting that you try an alternative to the traditional treatment for the body imbalance known clinically as depression.  It is time to connect with life!  Start feeling like you have some control over your life experience instead of feeling disconnected.  I am proposing that through proper diet, exercise, hydration, cognitive reframing, stress management, breath work, spiritual connection, and most importantly, self and other love, you can create, sustain and maintain a quality balanced life experience!

This Depression Temecula article written by Linda Comin, PhD.

The boomer generation has redefined every stage of life they have entered, so becoming a senior will be no exception.  The baby boomers are not lacking in personal growth, as they are the ones who activated the movements in the 60’s that changed our culture.  However, some may fall prey to disease and age related illnesses while others are determined to stay healthy and productive contributors to society. Boomers are living longer and healthier lives, and along with this longevity there are bound to be many life changes, financially, personally and professionally.  They will not be taking early retirement at age 62 and instead desire to live life with purpose remaining in the work force and perhaps starting a new profession.

The baby boomers are the originators of the self focused “I” generation.  Distinguished Author Tom Wolfe has identified this generation as the  “me decade” in his renowned 1976 New York article. They now have to learn to take the focus off of themselves and realize how to make others important.  In a 1989 book Destructive Generation, author Steinhorn, nicknamed this generation,  “Worst Generation” based on their hedonistic personal habits, quest for self-fulfillment and for every social ill from the climbing divorce rate to teen drug use.  Now that the boomers are becoming seniors they are experiencing uncertainty in what it takes to keep love and relationships together for the long haul.

Boomers have also been identified as the “sandwich generation”.  The absolute numbers of boomers entering they’re 60’s and 70’s is astounding, however in many cases their parents are still living.   According to the National Institute on Aging those 85 and over are the fastest growing segments in the country.  What this means is that boomers entering what was traditionally considered old age are now “sandwiched” between their living parents, their own children and in some cases their grandchildren.  Most of these boomers are profoundly involved in the care of their aging parents, according to a 2005 survey 13 million and rising.  Therefore what we have is seniors taking care of seniors.  Boomers are already starting to wonder who is going to take care of them and what will be left of social security and Medicare.  This then becomes another dilemma that boomers will be facing.

Life’s challenges or midlife crises can occur in many forms big and small.  The following would be considered major life events; illness, divorce, layoff, aging parents, or death of a loved one.  Smaller less obvious life occurrences would be daily boredom, un-ease, sadness, unhappiness, anxiety, and depression are simple signs that something is no longer working in one’s life.   At any age it is critical to be observant of ones inner signals before it turns into a larger issue.

These aging years will begin with the challenges of the “empty nest” syndrome.  The years that preceded the children leaving were focused on the children and their careers.  The couple lost touch with the relationship and learning how to keep their friendships alive.  The loss of connection outside of the children leads to problems inside the bedroom.  At this stage in their relationship the couple needs to learn how to connect again developing a foundation of friendship through finding mutual hobbies or activities to participate in together, such as hiking, biking, dancing, book clubs and cooking classes.

The next challenge of aging is menopause/andropause, which usually is accompanied by behavioral changes, weight gain and libido changes.  It is not unusual for the couple to wander away from each other during these times emotionally, physically or sexually.  If the couple has an awareness of what is happening it is a good time to increase their connections with each other by re-romancing their relationship, communication and sexual exploration.  These changes can also be treated with hormones, proper nutrition and exercise.

Aging parents will present certain challenges for this generation for two reasons due to our own aging and because our children are either attending university or returning home in staggering numbers due to high unemployment rates.  Since their parents are living longer they may be outliving their retirement income.   This will place an increased financial burden on this generation.  AARP reports that 44% of boomers have living parents as well as children under age 21 and that 22% financially support their parents by contributing to housing, home care, medical, pharmaceutical, travel and clothing costs.  In addition, 25 million or greater unmarried adults aged 19-39 live with their parents.  Furthermore, when they do leave, half of them return home within 30 months, often bringing spouse or child back with them.  With this myriad of financial obligations and emotional complications the goal will be to strike a balance between maintaining a decent lifestyle today and investing for tomorrow.  Balance in life is imperative in all areas and the financial area is no exception.  This balance will require a change in mindset from spending to conserving and for this generation that has prospered in the past this may be difficult to learn to pull in the reins on the wants to focusing on their needs.  This will require a conversation with the family regarding money management, redirecting discretionary income in order to prepare for the future.  Often times it is a good idea to have a family meeting to set goals.  This discussion would involve everyone, including children.  The premise here is that if they‘re part of the family then they should be part of the solution.   Even though it may be uncomfortable it is also a good idea to sit down with aging parents and discuss plans for their future (retirement funds, trusts/wills, long-term care, death and burial wishes) so that everyone understands what the expectations are and what possible problems may arise.

For boomers planning is the key to a secure financial future.  It is important to establish sensible spending and saving habits.  If you find yourself falling short of your goals then this needs to be immediately addressed.  It is important to realistically examine where you stand in the here and now relative to what your goals are.  Stephen Mitchell, senior vice president of Fidelity Personal Investments states, “having a plan is like having a road map.  Once you name your goals and determine what it will cost to get there, you can better understand your level of flexibility in achieving them.”  This may require the following:

• Shifting priorities, such as delaying retirement to grow your savings and retirement income.
• Changing expectations such as shifting your child’s education from a private college to a public college or having them contribute to their education which is not a bad idea as it teaches them responsibility.
• Curb spending, tracking expenses to determine where your money is going.  Become a better consumer and pare down your expenses.
• Maximizing contributions to your 401k or other employer-sponsored plans.
• Set up automatic payroll deposits into accounts reserved for particular savings goals.
• Looking into long-term care insurance if feasible for you or your parents.
• Pay yourself first; before you pay your bills contribute 10-15% of your income to savings or retirement fund.
• Revisit your plan periodically; it is better to plan then to not plan at all.  Be conservative with your finances and you will find yourself in a better position in the future.

There may also be the challenge of losing a partner through death or divorce.  The physical or psychological death of a partner can be shocking and painful.  Balancing life after losing a partner may pose one of the biggest challenges of your life.   Building a new life after spending so many years with your loved one is difficult for many.  One of the most difficult challenges after spending 30 or 40 years with someone is getting back into dating again. It is very important to grieve your relationship before you enter the dating scene again otherwise you will bring all of your problems with you and it will influence the relationship negatively.   Here are some tips:

• Purge your guilt, there is nothing you can do about changing the past so to feel guilty about something you did or did not do or could have done differently is a waste of time.  Whether you lost your beloved to death or divorce be wiling to move on.  You can look fondly back at the memories but do not let the memories control your future.   If you hold onto the past it will sabotage your ability to move forward and find new love in your life.  It is important to note here that if your feelings of guilt persist and you begin to feel depressed or anxious about moving forward, see a counselor before you begin dating.
• Tell your story but do it carefully, no one wants to constantly hear about your past relationship.  You are more than that the relationship, it was not your identity.  You are a person with a career, opinions, hobbies, accomplishments, social values, political views and your own unique way of looking at the world.  Over-reminiscing about the past will make your new acquaintance feel excluded.
• Define your desires/goals.  It is very important to define what you want in a new partner.  You may find that you are looking for the same thing but it will be very difficult to clone that person.  It is not plausible that you will find an exact replica of the person you were with.  On the brighter side maybe it would be a positive thing to make a change and find someone completely different.  Nonetheless be open to all possibilities and explore this area before making a commitment.
• Reinvent yourself, it is never too late to take stock and retool whom you are.  If you have become overweight, out of shape, or out of style think about re-grooming.  Start working out hire a personal trainer or go back to the gym and return to an exercise routine you once enjoyed.  It is never too late to update your style, a new haircut/hairstyle or a total makeover.  Perhaps seek out an image consultant, personal shopper or clothing consultant to change your appearance.
• Make a connection let your friends and colleagues know that you are back in the dating scene and that you are open to meeting someone.  Don’t rule out meeting someone online after all we are more socially connected online than we have ever been before.  So don’t be shy but do be careful.  If you are going to try online dating do your due diligence and practice Internet safety.  Always meet in a public area first then take it from there.  If you feel uncomfortable about this person eventually coming to your home continue to meet this person at the destination till you know the person better and feel more comfortable.  Remember to have fun.

There are many different ways of supporting a long-term relationship through midlife, whether it is a partnership or marriage.  One important element to remember is that when the relationship begins to have difficulties seek help.  Do not wait till the relationship is ready for divorce before you call a counselor.  The reason why some partnerships work and others do not is because we forget to appreciate our differences.  It is important to like in your partner what you dislike in yourself, according to Dr. Harville Hendrix.  Furthermore, it is important to recognize that your partner can never meet all of your needs so make sure that your expectations are reasonable.  Lastly it is important for each of us to learn how to soothe ourselves in difficult situations.  Here are some ways to improve your relationship:

• Have fun it is a well-known fact that couples who play together stay together.  It is also very healthy to make new neurological connections in our brains by participating in new activities together such as golf, dance, bowling or any active skill of your choice.  The new connections give way to positive emotions and deeper intimacy.
• Stop controlling each other.  There is nothing wrong with healthy conflict however if you find that the same conflict arises over and over again then you are in what we call gridlock.  Neither of you wants to give in and both of you want to be right.  There is no a right way or a wrong way to fight just stop being judgmental/critical of each other.  There is no such thing as constructive criticism it is still criticism.    The goal in relationship is to have more positivity than negativity.  Criticisms create an unequal relationship that leads to anxiety and anger.  The rule of thumb in relationships should be would you rather be right or happy?
• Hone your listening skills.  It is best to listen with compassion and respond with kindness.  Minimize mindreading sometimes couples that have been together for a long time will think that they know what the other is saying but what they are actually doing is hearing the message through their own filter.   It is important to take time to sit down and communicate in a respectful empathic manner.  When listening to your partner it is important to mirror back to him or her what you heard this gives your partner the opportunity to listen to what you heard and clear up any miscommunications.
• When you communicate use “I statements.
• It is important to validate what you hear even if you do not agree.  Validation let’s your partner know that you get him or her such as, “That makes sense that you feel that way.”
• Empathize by demonstrating genuine caring for your partner’s experience.
• Give each other daily appreciations for the little things and big things that you each do for each other.
• Suggest do not demand that your partner help or support you in life.  This is the difference between a soft start-up and a harsh start up.  Harsh start-ups result in your partner shutting down and shutting you out.
• Make love with each other all of the time and sometimes have sex.  The distinction here is that if you do not communicate kindness and love outside of the bedroom then your sexual relationship will suffer.  Try making a list of caring behaviors that you can do for each other to enrich your intimacy.
• It is important to realize that we cannot change anyone else but you can change yourself.  So instead of focusing on what your partner is doing wrong turn it into a positive for yourself by finding something to work on for you like exercise, reading, or finding a new hobby.  The paradigm here is that the more you accept your partners differences and accept them for who they really are, the more they become the person you want them to be.
• Feel good about you, take care of yourself; when you make time for you, for the things that you love and need you will feel better and more tolerant of your partner.  So go to the gym, workout, take that class you’ve always thought about or hang out with your pals, just have fun and enjoy!

Last but not least it is most important to support the spiritual core of your relationship.  This means developing a sense of purpose and goals as a couple.  Most of us know that our values and ideals change and evolve over time.  The challenge here will be to bring the spirituality in synchronicity with your relationship.  It will not be easy for the “me” generation to put themselves aside for the good of the relationship.  This takes a conscious commitment to put the other first and support your partner instead of yourself.  According to Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., forgetting yourself in relationship is linked to a longer more positive connection in the couple and is essential to building psychological health throughout your middle years.   Furthermore, research suggests that positive emotions help us to deal with stress, pain and illness as well as positive psychological health in our lives.

Generally speaking I believe that our world is beginning to shift in behaviors and values that reflect more awareness of the interconnectedness between everyone on the planet.  People are awakening to their actions and words have resounding effects everywhere, anywhere and towards anyone.  Mindfulness is becoming a household word whereby people are paying attention to well-being, sustainability and building towards the larger good for all.   Giving is about giving and not for receiving or getting something back.  Put the other first make it about them, not about you, this should be the mantra of the times.

Many of you may be surprised to hear that there are 100 million neurons in the gut, and that this is greater than what we have in our spinal cord.  Furthermore, there are major neurotransmitters like serotonin (95% of serotonin is produced in the gut), as well as, dopamine, glutamate, norepinephrine, and nitric acid.  Not to mention the presence of two-dozen small brain proteins, called neuropeptides, as well as major cells of from the immune system.  The presence of Enkephalins (a member of the endorphin family) is also found in the gut.  Endorphins are small protein molecules that are produced by cells in your body and their goal is to relieve pain with an analgesia type effect.  This is experienced by some as the natural high experienced in running or some other form of exercise.  It is also one of the sited reasons why soldiers continue to fight in war when they have been injured.  Benzodiazepines an anxiolytic medication (anti-anxiety medication) is also abundantly found in the gut, from the popular psychoactive chemicals known as Valium and Xanax.

The brain and the enteric nervous system (gut) are connected by the vagus nerve.  The vagus nerve is the major communication network between the two brains.  Messages between the two brains run up and down this network and are supported by other neural networks such as the “myenteric plexus and the submucosal plexus, which command and control neurons in the gut.

According to the current research, there is a plethora of evidence that is coming to light regarding the circuitry between the two brains.  Scientists, psychologists and nutritionists are beginning to understand why people act and feel the way they do.  It has long been known by psychology the connection between fight and flight and that the response is initiated by a fearful situation, which in turn results in the release of stress hormones that prepare the body to flee or fight.  If the body prepares to fight like on the battlefield the higher brain communicates to the gut and tells it to shut down.  However, fear can also result in the opposite result whereby the vagus nerve turns up the volume of the serotonin circuits in the gut resulting in overstimulation and diarrhea.

Current research is clearly making a connection between the gut and the brain and how digestive imbalance and mental health are highly correlated.  Therefore, if we balance the gut, issues like depression, anxiety, and digestive issues, autoimmune illnesses, and arthritis, fatigue, eczema, migraines, and attention deficit disorder come into balance.

There is an old saying, “we are what we eat” and it is never truer than now.  It is time to pay attention to what we eat.  It is true that some people eat all the right foods but for some reason they cannot digest them or absorb the necessary nutrients.  In these cases the result is diarrhea, constipation or irritable bowel syndrome (known as IBS).   Below are some of the stats on what the current research is finding with gastrointestinal diseases.

1. 84% of state anxiety (chronic anxiety) is related to small intestine bowel disorders, such as h-pylori and ulcerative colitis.
2. 67% of trait anxiety (periodic anticipation of something happening in life) is related to irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).
3. 27% of depression is related to celiac and irritable bowel syndrome.
4. IBS affects 10-20% of the adults in the U.S.  According to Dr. Gershon more than a two million Americans are afflicted with IBS, which arises in part from too much serotonin in the gut, and may well be regarded in the future as the mental illness of the gut.
5. 70-90% of patients who seek treatment for IBS have a psychiatric co-morbidity such as a mood disorder or anxiety disorder.
6. 19% of population has schizophrenia.
7. 29% of IBS patients have Major Depressive Disorder.
8. 46% of IBS patients have a panic disorder.
9. 40-80% are at high risk for having migraines, and fibromyalgia.

10. 91% of children with autism have a gastrointestinal issue.

In my practice I focus on an integrative approach between all factors, body (food, supplements, water, breath, rest and sleep), mind (stress management, yoga, meditation and automatic negative thoughts), relationships (important connections with others in our lives), and spirit (our connections to something beyond the physical).  The client is asked to keep a thorough food diary (including how they feel after they eat certain foods) and activity log (detailing how much exercise and how they feel after they exercise).   All ingested materials are looked at included prescription drugs and supplements.   The philosophy I take is that food and exercise are our best medicine and when everything in our lives is balanced we will feel better.

For further information please contact Dr. Linda Comin at 951-972-7221.

Current research on yoga suggests that it improves mood and gives a general sense of well-being.  It is beneficial in counteracting stress and reducing heart rate, respiratory rate and blood pressure.

Yoga for Anxiety

Many people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Anxiety can be a useful emotion if it heightens your awareness to make healthier choices.  However, when anxiety becomes more than a little nervousness, it can be very debilitating.  Sufferers of anxiety and panic disorders complain of exhaustion and mental fatigue.  Some of these symptoms include obsessive thinking, insomnia, migraines, intestinal problems, dizziness, nausea, and shortness of breath and heart palpitations.  The appearance of anxiety in your daily life can drastically influence your lifestyle.  Research suggests that excessive worry sabotages the immune system, weakening the body’s ability to fight off disease and heal.

Yoga is effective in treating anxiety by reducing the symptoms.  One of yoga’s basic tenants is to turn your focus inward, letting the external world go.  Focusing within facilitates recognition of what may be triggering the anxiety, which is usually those habitual thoughts and unresolved conflicts.

Yoga breath work is one of the key methods in counteracting anxiety.  Breath is life and puts us in touch with our essence.  When threatened, real or imagined, our bodies react.  Therefore, during an anxiety attack the body reacts to what is perceived as a threat. This results in tension, rigidity, and choppy, constricted or cessation of breath.  Yoga teaches you to slow down your breath, relax your body, and look inward at the precipitating event.

Yoga for Depression

The benefit of yoga on depression is another area being explored. One of the biggest contributing factors to depression is stress.  Depression increases the fight or flight response in the sympathetic nervous system.  Persistent/chronic activation of the sympathetic nervous system elevates the stress hormone cortisol.  It is a well known fact that cortisol has a major influence on stress related illnesses. Part of yoga’s effectiveness is its ability to decrease stress and increase a sense of well-being.  Yoga breath work boosts the oxygen level to the brain; the postures alleviate tension, promoting introspection,  and in conjunction with deep relaxation and meditation techniques, produces a calming effect.

Among yoga’s anti-stress benefits are positive levels of certain brain chemicals that decrease catecholamines. Findings also suggest lower levels of the hormone neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine and epinephrine (when elevated, all of these neurotransmitters are involved in fight or flight response and increase fear and anger and decrease the ability to think realistically), which facilitate a calming feeling.  There is also an increase in oxytocin, the hormone that is released during childbirth, maternal bonding and during orgasm, sometimes referred to as the “love hormone.”   Students who practice yoga on a regular basis report a feeling of increased trust and a heightened sense of connectedness and bonding with others.

I am 59 years old and I believe in the benefits of yoga.  I have been practicing yoga since I was 24 years old and it has seen me through every challenge in my life, including cancer in 1992.  I believe that yoga saved my life by giving me a deeper sense of awareness, and an intuition to know that something was wrong even though the physicians could not find it.

Relationship Counseling Temecula

Divorce statistics in America are astounding. In first marriages it is 50%, in second marriages it is 67% and third marriages it is 73%.  Given these statistics, it would make sense that if you have a good relationship you would want to keep it in good working order.  Therefore, it would be wise to keep your marriage or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet how many of us do this?  In my 30 years of experience in working with couples it has been very rare to see a couple present for treatment in the early stages of marital or relationship discord.  It is more the norm to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much distress that it cannot be ignored anymore.

According to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who has spent 20 plus years researching relationships, the first sign of a troubled couple is when there are more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist’s goal is to assist the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns.  This is done through being able to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.

The second indicator that suggests there is a problem is “nothing is good enough” syndrome.  It is when everything you do is being scrutinized and criticized by your partner.  The affect is more negative than positive.  What appears in the relationship is what Dr. Gottman refers to as the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.” The four markers of this second factor are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.  The therapist’s goal here is to teach the couple new ways of connecting with each other.

The third dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation.  This is what is known as emotional disengagement.  This will appear as a marked lack of sharing within the couple, marked by low affection, humor, demonstration of interest in each other, excitement, playfulness, happiness, supportiveness and empathy.  The therapist’s goal here is to suggest that the withdrawal must end.

The fourth indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a failure to repair those conflicts.  The goal of therapy here should be not on conflict avoidance but rather to help couples toward conflict resolution by increasing their skill set in communication.  This is accomplished by helping them to repair hurtful/angry feelings.  Couples need help to learn how to process their feelings in ways that support the relationship.

The fifth indicator has to do with what is known in psychology as “projection.”  This is a defense mechanism whereby the individual fails to see his or her own errors and attributes all negative errors/traits to their partner.  What is particularly interesting about this is that in the beginning of a relationship it is completely opposite.  The individual will attribute more positive attributes/qualities to the partner than negative.  So what is it that happens over time in dysfunctional relationships that changes this dynamic?  According to the research it is the erosion of the friendship, the foundation of the relationship that begins to deteriorate over time.  Therefore, the antidote to this is to rebuild the friendship, as this is the source of the source of the relationship’s strength.

The sixth indicator is shutdown due to chronic unresolved issues/arguments.  Issues overwhelm the couple and this leads to fight or flight in all relationships, not only committed relationships.  The reason for this is that our physiological arousal system is present.  It is like being in a constant state of raised anxiety; with increased heart rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of chronic tension clouds our ability to listen and make decisions. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness of their physiological arousal and then learn stress-reducing strategies as well as self and other soothing techniques, which will enable them to be more present with each other. The goal is to increase productive dialoguing between the couple to promote problem solving.

In summary, a couple needs to remain aware, mindful, playful, and compassionate with one another.  Renewing friendship and learning new or forgotten ways of engaging with each other promote a healthy relationship.

Dr. Linda Comin
Relationship Counseling Temecula.

Healthy relationships are a part of life’s balance.   In fact, healthy relationships contribute to our happiness and overall well being by decreasing stress related incidents and increasing equanimity.  Think of your body as a house would you build a house on a shaky foundation?  No of course not, right?  Then it would follow that relationships are a part of our life and therefore affect our life balance.  If our relationships have a poor foundation then what happens? Right the relationship has a difficult time holding up over time.  Therefore, it would make sense when a relationship is imbalanced it will affect the whole system.  So lets look at balance, what creates balance?  Balance means a state of equilibrium, emotional stability, and harmonious and satisfying elements.

Balance, requires equanimity a mental calmness that prevails in our lives.  The ability to self-monitor thoughts, beliefs, emotions and reactions is a very important skill to acquire and maintain.   When in relationship it is very imperative to be realistic and flexible.

If you are not what I call mindful of these nuances you will miss the cues that your partner sends you.  Mindfulness is also called being in the moment or being present to one another.  Dr. John Gottman a preeminent relationship expert refers to this as, “as bids for emotional connections.” He describes this dance of intimacy as turning towards or turning away from one another.  This is what he describes as building the emotional connections and foundation in a couple.

Relationships have their beginnings in the getting to know you stage.  In this stage of the relationship the couple is very interested in learning all about each other.  During this period of time it is helpful to develop flexible communication styles and listening skills.  It is positive to be asking open-ended questions allowing the other the opportunity to respond.  This builds a composite picture of your partner that should be flexible and never ready for full development.  The theory behind this is that we are as humans in constant change and flux and it would be humanly impossible to expect that you know everything about your partner.  Change happens in relationship and it is healthy, expected and should be encouraged.

The world that we live in is in a constant state of change/impermanence and we are a reflection of that change.  We therefore, have to allow for this in all of our relationships.  We cannot control all the variables in our world or in our relationships.  Flexibility in relationship means letting go of trying to control your partner.  Control results in resistance and conflict.  It is important to give each other permission to grow and flourish.  When in relationship it is important to fertilize this growth with, love, appreciations, admiration and most importantly a solid friendship.

There are essential components to a good relationship and they are as follows:

• Solid friendship, which is nourished through time, patience, and commitment.
• Receiving and giving are balanced and mutual. There is a delicate balance between giving and receiving.  Learning to give in a relationship is just as important as learning how to be an effective receiver.
• More positive exchanges than negative ones, even in conflict situations.
• Realistic expectations of each other.
• Flexibility the boundaries are neither too loose nor too rigid.
• Good communication with the ability to resolve conflict by a willingness to compromise and accept each other’s viewpoints.
• Mutuality, which is comprised of mutual respect, shared interests, appreciations and admiration.   Even though the word relationship implies shared meaning this does not necessarily mean that it is automatically created.  Creating mutuality requires commitment, motivation and most importantly intentionality.
• Kindness thinking before acting on your thought.  A good rule of thumb is, “would I say this about myself “and if your answer is no then don’t say it.
• Criticisms are extended with a soft edge by communicating to the partner in a way that acknowledges that there is no criticism that is constructive.  Criticisms are typically door closers however if you come from an “I” message instead of pointing the finger at your partner it will have a greater acceptance.
• In healthy relationships you will find that the couple support each other’s dreams and aspirations.
• Last but not least healthy relationships have integrity.  This means that following through on commitments to each other.  If you say you are going to do something such as make a date or set a deadline you must follow through on that action.  This fosters dependability, and congruence between words and actions.  This then equates to building a solid foundation of Trust.

In closing relationships is a part of our existence and just as necessary as the air we breathe, water and the food we eat for sustenance.  We do not live in a vacuum people by nature are relational.  We can learn so much about ourselves through relating to others so why wouldn’t we want to do it in ways that are nourishing and supportive to one another.  When our relationships are good they add to the stability and balance in our lives.

In this busy world with it’s many roles it is difficult to find time to nurture and take care of ourselves. It seems that our busy schedules just don’t allow us the luxury of taking time to do what would be truly helpful for our minds and bodies to replenish from stress related activities in our lives. Dr. Comin understands this complex world and has created a solution that was once offered to her in the early 70′s, bringing the personal touch of yoga to your home. Teaching you how to create a space that brings peace through inner focus, breath work, flexibility, balance, vitality, stamina and strength training. Yoga integrates mind,body and spirit.

The body has many basic needs such as good nutrition, good hydration, adequate sleep, proper breathing, relaxation, and proper exercise.Yoga is one discipline that addresses health and fitness needs in a holistic manner. Yoga means union it is the bridge between your mind and the body’s physical actions. When there is a connection between mind and body the mind directs the body to take action in truth, and wisdom for the higher good of humanity. In other words the mind of truth directs the body to take kinder, and thoughtful actions in the world towards ourselves and others. Yoga is a fitness regime that can be utilized throughout your lifetime, once the postures are mastered. Yoga is portable and can be practiced anywhere at any time. Regardless of your fitness level yoga meets you where you are. Yoga teaches you how to respect your body and know your body’s limitations. Yoga will also teach you to find your edge, release your fears and build confidence. Yoga assists you in cultivating your inner teacher that guides you through practice with mindfulness, thereby learning how to release bad habits and build healthy ones. No one knows your body and mind better than “you” and yoga encourages the student to embrace this inner teacher.

Those that embrace yoga as a part of their lifestyle will tell you that it does reverse the aging process and increases mental clarity. Yoga takes patience and discipline, but with practice will provide the practitioner with meaningful changes in their life experiences. Yoga is not competitive it is internally motivated. Yoga will de-stress and reshape your body, it will improve circulation, and oxygenation, and will stimulate the abdominal organs, and place acupressure on the glandular organs of the body which results in better health, as well as realigning your spine giving you healthier posture. The breathing techniques developed in yoga practice are based on the concept that breath is the source of life. During yoga, students are encouraged to focus on their breathing so that it flows with the movements thereby providing an inner meditative focus that balances and aligns the entire nervous system. Breathing is the primary focus for the foundation of any meditation practice.

At age 59 Dr. Comin is living proof of the virtues of Yoga. While she has incorporated other forms of exercise into her life, she has maintained an active yoga practice for over 36 years. She is convinced that Yoga ultimately saved her life from cancer in 1992. For more information about this, please contact Dr. Comin.

Yoga is a philosophy a lifestyle. It is not a religion. Yoga is not simply a set of postures it is a system that purifies the body, creates health and discipline for the mind.

Alternative Treatments for Depression by Temecula psychologist Linda Comin, PhD

Are you tired of the ineffectiveness of conventional treatments for depression?  Are you relapse prone and seeking an alternative solution?  Let’s reframe clinical depression as body imbalance.  Balance is defined as a state of equilibrium and is composed of many elements that must work synergistically.  The body’s balance is supported by the following elements: Hydration, nutrition, exercise, breath/stress management, love, mind and spirit.

Imbalance results in the body feeling distressed.  Imbalance may feel like, sadness, fatigue, loss of control, i.e. addictions, loss of interest or pleasure, low self-worth, disturbed sleep, loss of appetite or increased appetite which could lead to weight gain or weight loss, and poor concentration.  Many of you might already see that this definition resembles what is known as depression.

When we take depression out of the clinical area and normalize it by using the term imbalance,  it takes on a whole different meaning, doesn’t it? It no longer feels heavy, overwhelming, medicalized, and stigmatized by what is termed as “mental illness.” Suddenly, what was known as “clinical depression” is seen from a different perspective and gives way to  integrative solutions.

Depression Temecula – is the medical view accurate?

Medicine would have us all believe that depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain that can only be treated by the administration of psychotropic medications.  The theory that depression is the result of an imbalance of serotonin and dopamine in your brain, however, is a highly reported fact that has never been scientifically proven.  In fact, research suggests that psychotropic medication, when administered to depressed subjects, has no more effectiveness than a placebo.  According to a recent study published in January of 2011 by the British Medical Journal, “There is evidence showing there is unlikely to be a clinically important advantage for antidepressants over placebo in individuals with minor depression.”

When you think of it, depression is a very subjective term, isn’t it?  In other words you feel something and then you try to convey what you are feeling to a professional who then prescribes a certain treatment.  But does one treatment fit for everyone? I would answer with a resounding “no.” We all have different life experiences, and emotions, and our bodies respond differently to different foods and chemicals.  We are idiosyncratic in nature, and therefore need a more individualized plan of action.

Now you may be thinking but aren’t there many different types of antidepressants out there? The answer to this question is “yes”.  However, there are many depressed individuals out there who would claim that they have tried four or greater antidepressants and are still depressed. In fact, not only are they still depressed after 10-20 years of being on an antidepressant, but also feel helpless and hopeless about any recovery from these feelings.

If this sounds like the way you might be feeling I am suggesting that you try an alternative to the traditional treatment for the body imbalance known clinically as depression.  It is time to connect with life!  Start feeling like you have some control over your life experience instead of feeling disconnected.  I am proposing that through proper diet, exercise, hydration, cognitive reframing, stress management, breath work, spiritual connection, and most importantly, self and other love, you can create, sustain and maintain a quality balanced life experience!

This Depression Temecula article written by Linda Comin, PhD.