Relationship Counseling Temecula – Six Signs your relationship isn’t working
Author: Linda
Relationship Counseling Temecula. Over the last two decades there has been focused attention on the importance of emotional intelligence and remaining connected. The hypothesis is that the greater the emotional intelligence of the couples relationship, the more successful the relationship. Emotional intelligence is a predictor of the “good enough” connection the couple has. What is really interesting about connection/attachment is that it is a sustaining force in our life from birth to death. It increases our chances of surviving and having longevity over time. It is also the first thing in our committed love relationships to misfire. It may look like complacency or emotional and social disengagement within the couple.
Divorce statistics in America are astounding. In first marriages it is 50%, in second marriages it is 67% and third marriages it is 73%. Given these statistics, it would make sense that if you have a good relationship you would want to keep it in good working order. Therefore, it would be wise to keep your marriage or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet how many of us do this? In my 30 years of experience in working with couples it has been very rare to see a couple present for treatment in the early stages of marital or relationship discord. It is more the norm to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much distress that it cannot be ignored anymore.
According to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who has spent 20 plus years researching relationships, the first sign of a troubled couple is when there are more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist’s goal is to assist the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns. This is done through being able to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The second indicator that suggests there is a problem is “nothing is good enough” syndrome. It is when everything you do is being scrutinized and criticized by your partner. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Dr. Gottman refers to as the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.” The four markers of this second factor are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The therapist’s goal here is to teach the couple new ways of connecting with each other.
The third dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is known as emotional disengagement. This will appear as a marked lack of sharing within the couple, marked by low affection, humor, demonstration of interest in each other, excitement, playfulness, happiness, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist’s goal here is to suggest that the withdrawal must end.
The fourth indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a failure to repair those conflicts. The goal of therapy here should be not on conflict avoidance but rather to help couples toward conflict resolution by increasing their skill set in communication. This is accomplished by helping them to repair hurtful/angry feelings. Couples need help to learn how to process their feelings in ways that support the relationship.
The fifth indicator has to do with what is known in psychology as “projection.” This is a defense mechanism whereby the individual fails to see his or her own errors and attributes all negative errors/traits to their partner. What is particularly interesting about this is that in the beginning of a relationship it is completely opposite. The individual will attribute more positive attributes/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that happens over time in dysfunctional relationships that changes this dynamic? According to the research it is the erosion of the friendship, the foundation of the relationship that begins to deteriorate over time. Therefore, the antidote to this is to rebuild the friendship, as this is the source of the source of the relationship’s strength.
The sixth indicator is shutdown due to chronic unresolved issues/arguments. Issues overwhelm the couple and this leads to fight or flight in all relationships, not only committed relationships. The reason for this is that our physiological arousal system is present. It is like being in a constant state of raised anxiety; with increased heart rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of chronic tension clouds our ability to listen and make decisions. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness of their physiological arousal and then learn stress-reducing strategies as well as self and other soothing techniques, which will enable them to be more present with each other. The goal is to increase productive dialoguing between the couple to promote problem solving.
In summary, a couple needs to remain aware, mindful, playful, and compassionate with one another. Renewing friendship and learning new or forgotten ways of engaging with each other promote a healthy relationship.
Dr. Linda Comin
Relationship Counseling Temecula.
